As a man
by ani0729
Summary: A little AU Ranger that would not get out of my head. My take on how Ranger became the man he is today. * now complete -  please stay tuned for the sequel as soon as I get time*
1. Chapter 1

As a man

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Physical release has always made me feel something other than pain. The pain from being the unwanted child, the mistake, the half breed, screw up, that is an everyday reminder of my mother's infidelties. My mother and her husband (he wasn't my father and wouldn't appreciate being called that) are both caucasion, brown hair and hazel eyes. My brother and sister have inheritated those obvious traits. I am the result of my mother's affair with our Cuban neighbor. Everyone knew it, the entire neighboorhood could not stop talking about it. The older I got, the more Cuban and unacceptable I looked. My mother did not look at me, my mother's husband only would call me "boy". I wondered my entire life,why I was kept, why I was named Ricardo Carlos, when they could have just named me Richard and at least had an illusion of my belonging.

I threw myself into sports, I love baseball, I am good at baseball. Hell, I was amazing at baseball, until I discovered that no one cared how good at it I was, that excelling at something, would bring unneeded attention to myself and embaressement to the family.

The older I became, the more family I craved. I found it with the gang, they accepted me, took care of me and demanded the loyalty I was hungry and ready to give. I made great muscle, point me to the direction and I would kick anyones ass and finish the business, because that is what I can do. Years into it, I became the leader, the one in charge, the one that everyone followed without question. I always have been able to make things happen. When things go too deep and the authorities were brought in, my options were jail or army. I couldn't imagine spending any time in jail, like a rat in the cage. So, the army won. That gave me a purpose, a mental clarity, I never thought possible, a purpose I never knew I was missing. I became a machine, every move I made was made out of necessity, I was/am the best. I met men that will forever be my brothers. I was trusted and respected in ways I always dreamed of.

That brings me back to the present. I am punching the bag, trying to punch my way through this pain, the pain that is eating me alive. I don't know how to talk to Stephanie, what she needs from me, I have never known. My heart loves, I know that. I don't know how to use the words. I show her in everything I do for her, that I love her. But I know she wants the words.

I am not a dumb man, I know the effect my looks have on women. Never been short of company in my bed. But i have only been good enough in the dark. No one has wanted to love me in the clear light of day. Steph is that woman. Now as long as I am not too far gone that she walks a way. As long as my confessions don't make her run a way.

She is used to loving family dinners and Christmas morning. How would she react to know that it has been ten years since I have laid eyes on my mother. And that is the way we all prefer. As much as her mother nags, it is still done out of love. How can I tell her that my own mother sees something in me that is not fit to love? How can she love me then? Will that cause her to walk away.

I wipe my head with a towel and see Tank looking at me. I need to be more aware of my surroundings- ironic.

Tank " Are you ready to talk to her now, she is up on 7th waiting? You know it is time. Carlos, if you walk from this, you will never let yourself get this close again. You are more than Ranger and you are starting to forget that."

"I know, I know, I need to let her in. I just don't want to see the pity when I tell her"

Tank "Man, ya know we all have always felt for you, that isn't pity. That is family"

And he walks out of the gym. Family... maybe I am ready to add Stephanie to the family I have created.

I take the stairs to the 7th floor-stalling. I open the door and there she is, beautiful, nursing a beer.

"Babe, I need to talk to you" I sit down at her shocked look.

I need to tell you about a boy, who was never loved, and who doesn't know how to be loved as a man...

TBC

Need ideas on where I should continue Ranger's story.,. 


	2. Chapter 2

As a man Part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

This took awhile; I had a hard time finding Stephanie's voice. I hope this sounds okay.

Stephanie's POV

Ranger never wants to talk, never gives me in any information, everything I know about is just because it has slipped out. I hope he isn't going to tell me he doesn't want more with me. Why would he? He is amazingly perfect, he makes my failures look so much worse because he never fails. He is so much more than I am, so much more than I could ever be. How could someone like him be serious about someone like me?

Once Ranger gets started, the words just pour out of him. His mother is a hundred times worse than mine; she just pretends that he does not exist. How can you blame a child because you could not keep your pants up? I bet he was the cutest baseball player, the way he talks about the feeling he got while playing, he got an actual smile on his face. His smile could light up the world. But when he explains no one ever came to see him play, it breaks my heart. I grab his hand, just to let him know that I am there for him.

Why don't parents think sometimes? The actions or lack of actions shape who we are. Ranger could have been a completely different man given some or any attention.

I completely understand why he turned to the gang. When no one loves you, you go somewhere, anywhere to find what is lacking. I also see him taking over the gang; he just was born to be a leader. He gets quiet and says that he doesn't really want me to know the things he did then.

"Carlos, it is okay, it is the past, you don't have to recreate every detail, it just makes you who you are" who I love (but I don't say that part).

We are more alike than I ever imagined. Maybe our trouble getting together has to do with the sea of dysfunction that we were brought up in.

A light bulb goes off! Duh, Steph, he loves you, he has shown me in every action he has done since we met. He didn't send me back to Joe because he didn't love. He sent me back because he didn't think anyone could love him, because no one ever has. That thought stops me cold; no one has ever really loved this beautiful, loyal man. I know he has had women, but no one has LOVED him.

He says he doesn't know how to love, doesn't he SEE? He is love, that is just who he is. The words are unimportant, the actions are. I have been waiting for him to tell me something, I should have known the entire time. He has never tried to discourage me for doing anything; he always wanted to make sure I was safe while doing it. He takes me as I am where I am.

I stand up quickly and kiss him with everything I am "I love you" There I told him. I have been holding on to it for so long. He is looking at me with an expression I cannot read.

"I didn't tell you this so you could feel sorry for me; I just was trying to get it out so we can see where this is going"

I don't believe him! He thinks I feel sorry for him, I do, but I love him. I have since I first met him.

"Ranger, I feel bad for everything you went through, but this isn't a new feeling for me, I have loved you for so long, please don't turn away from this"

He is staring at me, with a look of love (I hope)

Then his phone rings….. Interrupted as always.

(Who should be on the phone? Did I get Stephanie right?)


	3. Chapter 3

As a man – Part 3

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

It is hard being the oldest child and being the oldest son is especially difficult. And being the oldest in this family is probably the worst feeling ever. How can one live with themselves, when they are not allowed to love their baby brother? The baby brother you dreamed of for 7 years before he was born. The one you had so many plans for, to teach him how to play baseball, to teach him about girls (things I didn't really need to teach him as the years shown, but I had dreams).

Staring at the phone in my hand, I know it is time to call, I have been putting it off for a long time and it is almost getting too late. Ricky, Carlos or Ranger as he prefers I call him now.

When he was born, Arielle (our sister) and I were so excited, until Dad wouldn't take us to the hospital. He came home after Ricky was born, so silent, no cigars, and no visitors waiting for his homecoming. We didn't understand. I still don't understand.

Dad sat us down and explained that Ricardo doesn't look anything like us he had dark hair, dark eyes and mocha colored skin. I didn't care, I just wanted him home, but then Dad said that he wasn't Ricardo's father. I didn't really understand what it meant at the time, but I knew it was bad.

When he came home from the hospital, all Arielle could say was how pretty he was. "Pretty Ricky" I wonder when he made people stop calling him that? Probably in the army, because being Pretty Ricky, served him well during his time in the gang. No one dared cross or mess with Pretty Ricky or his family. Even though his family didn't protect him, not that he wasn't protected, he just wasn't acknowledged. Mother hired Ella and Ricky was given to her care from the minute she brought him home from the hospital, without a second glance, mother just went on with her life as if she didn't have a youngest child. I thank God for Ella, because without that he would have never been given any kind of care and consideration.

I don't blame my father, it had to be hard for a walking, breathing reminder of your wife's indiscretions to be in your face every day, but instead of taking it out on mother, he just grew cold and was coldest towards Ricky. Not calling him by his name, was humiliating and just ignoring him completely was devastating.

"Boy, you cannot expect this family to come to your baseball games; you don't need to bring any more attention to yourself."

"Boy if you do not stop causing trouble for this family, you will have to leave my house"

I didn't know what to do, watching him fold into himself; he was always so quiet, so removed from everyone around him. Until he became damned scary. He didn't hide what he was doing from the family. I think at first he was hoping for a reaction to the change in his dress and attitude. But then I just think he figured, what were we going to do? Who was going to discipline him? At 13, it was too late.

I will never forget the blank stare he gave, when my mother told him to leave at 16. For the rest of my life I will hear him say "I was never here" as he walked out of the door with only the clothes on his back and the gun in his holster.

I didn't hear from him for 2 years after that, with just a call saying that he was going to the Army, saying "I never blamed you Jason, I never did, but if I am going to become a man, I need to find some way to do it, or I will end up dead" Not that I had any illusions that that was not his goal anyway. With all of the dangerous missions he took, I think he was trying to kill himself without actually having to do it. He always called when he left for a mission and when he returned, just so someone in his birth family would know if he lived or died. Even though he didn't think anyone cared. I always cared; I think he is a great man, in spite of what he was born into. What is the saying"**rise above your raisin**'? And he did that in spades.

I am very aware that he has scars, he has no wife, he is estranged from his only child and I know that is all because of how his own family treated him. But as a Man, no one is a better man, than my little brother "Pretty Ricky"

I pick up the phone and dial the number; I have only called once before, when Arielle died. Now I have to call him and tell him that is mother is dying and wants to talk to him before she dies.

_I think I have only 2 more parts and this journey will be done. _


	4. Chapter 4

As a man Part 4

Ranger POV

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

I hang up with Jason and put my head in my hands. I am overwhelmed with all of the conflicting emotions. My first reaction surprised me, I wanted to cry that "my mommy was dying" and I was ashamed and confused by that. She was never my mommy that title will always belong to Ella. That brings me to the next emotion, satisfaction, because I always thought that karma was a bitch.

Steph touches my shoulder and I feel so much love and concern in that touch. My first reaction is to shut down, but I know if I want Steph as my partner I have to let her in. The new information does not change what I want. Or my decision to make her mine. To let her into my life, since she has already made herself a home in my heart.

"That was Jason, my brother, they live in Boston. My mother has terminal cancer and wants to speak to me"

I pull her into my lap and breathe in her scent; it always calms and centers me. That is why I always go to her apartment and watch her sleep after a stressful day. There is something about her that gives me complete focus and clarity. For the first time in years, I don't know what to do. I am so out of my element; I always know what to do without hesitation. But the longer I hold Steph, the less I am making a choice. I tell her that and after a few more moments of holding me close, she gets up and goes to the phone.

"Please come up to seven" she says on two separate calls.

In the next instant, Tank and Ella are here. My Babe, she knows exactly what I need. How does she do that? I didn't think she knew me well enough to anticipate my needs. But she is correct; to make this choice I need my Mom – Ella and my brother –Tank. We all sit on the couch and I tell them what is going on and my dilemma

Tank thinks I should tell her to kiss my super successful ass. That I am everything I am not because of her, and why should I ease her conscience. Is she trying to make right with her sins before she reaches that time of judgment? Then she deserves to burn because nothing that is done could justify her treatment of her child. I wholeheartedly agree.

Ella's thoughts are not really surprising to me, but I know I need to hear it. She had front row seats to my treatment or lack of treatment. She thinks I should go, but not for her, but for me. I am still living in the past, emotionally and will never let go of the old ghosts and have the life that I deserve, with the person I deserve without closure. Not to make my mother feel better, but for myself.

_Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past. –Unknown_

I know you don't forgive for the other person, you forgive for yourself. But am I ready for forgiveness? Anger has driven me for so long. If I let the anger go, I am not sure what I will be after that. Maybe it is time, time to let it go, to forgive her and myself.

We are now sitting in my plane, headed to Boston. They all wanted to go with me for support. I think Tank just wanted to fly the plane, but I know it is the way he shows he cares. He has had my back for years and this is just another battle for us. Ella says that she has words for my mother herself. To thank her for giving her the son she never thought she would have. Stephanie is my emotional support, she will not let me shut down and make me feel this.

I haven't laid eyes on my childhood home, since I walked out of the door at 16. I haven't been in any close proximity to my mother since Arielle's funeral. Another life ruined at my mother's hand. She didn't kill Arielle, but I can't help to think her expectations and scrutiny lead her to the drug use that was ultimately her demise. No one left that house unscathed, how could you?

Jason, who feels the weight of the world on his shoulders, the only one who can carry on the family name, run the family business. He was never able to pursue his own dreams because they were already mapped out for him. Living a life he did not want because he is too afraid to rock the boat, knowing that the love he receives is conditional on his obedience, he lives as a shadow. Too ashamed to tell anyone that he is gay that the love of his life is a man. So, he has the wife, the kids and he is miserable. He told me before I left for one of my most dangerous missions. Probably thinking that I wouldn't survive and if I did who would I tell? Sometimes confession is good for the soul.

I wasn't close to Arielle, but not due to the lack of trying on her part. I just wasn't comfortable keeping any woman close to me, even my own sister. I knew she loved me and it hurts my heart to think that I will never hear her call me "Pretty Ricky" again. She lived her life fast, full of drugs and men. Until the drugs became more important than anything. She died of a heroin overdose.

Maybe I did have it better than they did. I lived my life with only my own expectations to live up to. No weight of family expectations or other people's dreams.

Here we are – outside the beautiful, icy home of my childhood. I grab Steph's hand, because I need her in order to do this and ring the bell.

_I hope everyone is enjoying where this is going and I hope to wrap it up in the next chapter. I have another story waiting to get out. _

_Please let me know what you think. I always try to respond to the reviews, if I missed you, I am sorry, but I do appreciate it. _


	5. Chapter 5

As a man Part 5

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Stephanie's POV 

It was a beautiful house, not the mansion I was expecting. But a nice good sized house just the same. For some reason I just assumed that Ranger came from the kind of money he easily spends. I guess you can never assume anything about the man next to me. Every time I think I am getting something figured out, I learn something new and it rocks my world.

Someone answers the door and they do the manly hug thing, oh this must be Jason. Not what I expected Ranger's brother to look like, he is an average, slightly balding man, with a little bit of a belly. Nothing noteworthy, nothing to really make him stand out. Hmmmm…that had to be hard for him growing up. I know what it was like growing up being compared to the beauty of "Saint Valerie".

Ranger introduces me as mi amor; I remember enough high school Spanish, to know he introduces me as my love. Then he introduces Tank, and Ella hugs Jason also. Jason ushers us inside. The inside of the house doesn't have the homey lived in feeling of the houses in the 'Burg. I wasn't expecting some place that you could never call home, with the shiny wood floors and the plastic covered furniture. I could not imagine being a kid in this place.

Jason nervously wipes his hands on his jeans and clears his throat several times before he begins to speak. "Thomas is here and would like to speak to you regarding some family business before you leave." sounding like it was a message he did not want to relay. I feel Rangers entire body grow tense, he is so tightly coiled, like a cobra ready to strike.

Ranger says, in a voice and accent I have never heard him use before. "There ain't no family business, because it has always been perfectly clear to me, that I ain't family."

It makes me think there is more to the problems with Thomas, his step-father, than her originally let on.

I grab his hand to calm him and with Ella on the other side mirroring my actions, I finally feel Ranger start to relax.

Ella speaks up, "He came to speak to his mother, and that is all he will do, he did not have to do that much. I need to speak to Maggie first if you don't mind. We don't plan to be here very long, so let's get this started." Thank God for Ella. Jason gets up to lead Ella up the stairs.

We sit there in uncomfortable silence for a bit, and then Ranger says, still in the voice I don't recognize, "Let's give you the grand tour."

He looks so unsure of himself and uncomfortable; I never thought Ranger could look that way. His presence was always so sure of himself. I never thought this side of him existed, a side of him that looks so much like how I feel all of the time. He stands up and starts to explain - the master bedroom, Arielle's and Jason's rooms are up those stairs. We walk down a hall way, through a kitchen that my mother would go crazy for. And he opens a door and leads us down a short flight of stairs. Into what looks like it has to be Ranger's room. It is like stepping in a time machine, Ice Cube posters and the Cuban flag on the wall, a punching bag in the corner. His room, situated so far away from the rest of the family. I am struck again about the lengths that were used to distance him from everyone else.

He sits on the bed, looking so lost. I am not sure how to comfort him or if I should say anything. The memories here must be overwhelming. Being back in a place you walked out of so long ago, has to be horrible for someone who doesn't deal with his emotions. I wonder why his blank face isn't working here.

Suddenly he yells and just starts punching the bag. I look to Tank, the only one of us that is able to handle him like this. Tank does a little headshake, saying to leave it for a bit? I must have a question in my eyes, because then he puts up one finger, one second? They always forget that I don't have ESP like they do.

Then Ranger starts screaming…

"So, I am not your son!"

"I am a mistake, a lapse in judgment"

"I am just a free-loading spic"

"I owe you for my room and board"

"I owe you this..."

"I OWE YOU!" "I OWE YOU!"

Then Tank grabs his arms to make his stop. "Feel better, man?" Ranger is trying to control his breathing, while I am trying to process what I just heard. _What could Ranger owe him? He owes him what? Do I want to know? Do I dare even ask?_ I really hope I it isn't the first place my mind went.

I don't know if Ranger is ready to deal with this, I don't know if I can deal with this. Maybe it was a mistake for him to come here. I know more than anyone that a little bit of denial helps you function through life. But Ranger, he is a different kind of man, he doesn't run. He faces most of his problems head on, maybe this is the one battle he needs to face to break through and become the man who can have a relationship and a family. This could be the battle we need to face together to start our life as true partners.

I will stand by him, as he has stood by me. I love him, more than I have ever loved anything in this life. I know deep in my heart, that together we can do anything.

Tank and Ranger walk over to where I have leaned against the wall. Ranger grabs my hand and leads me over to the bed, looking at Tank for support. And says "Babe, I am not going to hide this from you and I trust that this will never leave this room. This room where it all started, this room where my entire life changed, this room where my new life will now begin."

_Okay, I think I spoke too soon about wrapping this up in this last chapter. I will not make anymore promises. This has a life of its own and I will let it take me where it leads. _

_Please let me know what you think and as always, your reviews are so appreciated. _


	6. Chapter 6

As a man part 6

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Ella's POV

Jason escorts me up the stairs as if I didn't spend over half my life in this house. It is like walking back in time-memories start to wash over me, memories of sleepovers, first kisses, prom dates, celebrating Jason's birth, staying up all night helping with a colicky Arielle and when she brought Carlos, or Ricky as he is called in this house home from the hospital. Maggie was my best friend for as long as I could remember every first I had, was tied to her in some way. But when she came home from the hospital with Ricardo Carlos Manoso, everything changed. There was no way for it not to change. My best friend had a baby with my last name. That wasn't something easily explained away or overlooked.

I don't know how she thought that sleeping with my husband was going to end, how it was going to go unpunished. I know they planned to leave together and raise Carlos as a family. Then there was the accident and he didn't survive. Carlos was the only piece of the love of my life left in the world. So given the opportunity to help raise him, I really had no choice. I wanted to save him and take him away from this place, but I was so lost in my own grief and anger to do any more than I did. When I finally began to heal, _I_ saw I was too late, the damage to this beautiful boy, was already done.

The more information I got out of Tank, the angrier and guiltier I felt. I will carry the guilt for my inaction, in my soul for the rest of my life. Not just guilt for Carlos, but for Jason and the cloud of unhappiness that always seems to follow him and for poor Arielle, whose life just was a waste of potential. It is a shame that some people who would make wonderful parents can never have children, but people who are a waste of space, seem to have children no problem.

Jason comes out and tells me "Mother is not pleased that you are here, but understands that without speaking to you, there is no access to Ricky."

I walk into the room and there Maggie is, propped on pillows like a queen commanding court.

"Hello Maggie"

"Ella"

"I didn't come here for small talk, so I am just going to get right into it. You will listen to what I have to say with no interruptions."

She starts to speak and I stop her with a look that would make Carlos proud.

"I want to first thank you for giving me a son, I couldn't ask for a better man to be my family. He makes me so proud and brings me daily joy, so for that I will always be grateful.

Now onto my main purpose…

How does it feel to see the family you made practically go up in flames? All because you were too stupid or selfish to put their needs before your own. I never want to be the type of person to wish the end of someone's life. But I can say I will not shed any tears when you are gone. Because I will still be picking up the pieces of ash your life will have left behind.

How can you not know or care what happened to your children under your roof? You think that no one will ever find out, no one would ever hold you accountable? I know you either knew or had some suspicion of how Thomas treated Carlos, what he DID! Something you should have put a stop too.

I tried, but when I pushed him for answers, he just shut me out and I was too afraid of losing him forever. So, I unfortunately let it go. I didn't get confirmation of the real horrors that happened in this house until Carlos was long gone from here.

I hope you are not asking to see him now to keep yourself from burning in hell. Because I don't think this last minute Hail Mary can possible save what little soul you have left.

When Carlos comes in here, you WIL apologize for your inaction and your inability to help or raise him and you will not make him feel any guilt. He carries enough of that around with him and doesn't need yours.

Do I make myself clear?" She doesn't speak for a moment¸ I give her a hand motion letting her know it is her turn.

"Yes, Ella, I know how wrong I was—but you know that my hands were tied. I just wasn't prepared for the fallout and didn't know how to fix everything I broke. And then when I looked around, it was broken beyond my repair. I just want to set eyes on him one more time and tell him, I did love him. I just didn't make any good decisions. "

I nod and turn to walk out of the door, I hear her say, as a whisper, "I missed you Ella-Bella"

I have tears in my eyes as I close the door behind me "I missed you to Maggie-cat"

_I said yesterday, this has a mind of its own, and I am enjoying writing it. Feedback is always good and I will take everyone's feedback seriously. _

_So does anyone have any idea what happened to Ranger? We will find out in the next chapter, told by Tank. _

_Thanks again for reading my story. _


	7. Chapter 7

As a man part 7

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. This is starting to deal with darker material, but I am not graphic with it, but I just wanted to put the warning out there.

Tank's POV

Watching Ranger with Stephanie gives me hope that he is going to be alright. I have worried so much about him for years, I sometimes worry about him more that I worry about myself. He has been accepting more and more dangerous missions, missions that no one else was willing to take the risk to do. If he was in town to long he would call to see if he was needed on a mission. I think he was starting to hope that he would not return from one of them. With all of his confidence, all the things he has accomplished, he still said he felt like a ghost. He didn't feel like he had anything to return to, I hope Steph is enough to change all of that. She is strong enough to stand by him while he seeks some help, no one should be foolish enough to think love can save him, but maybe love will be enough to inspire him to save himself.

I remember when he finally opened up about his family. Over the years I knew him, I got bits and pieces of his gang exploits and how feared he was by everyone. But really nothing about his family, just name, rank and serial number really. But that night, we just got back from a mission that was completely FUBAR, the only mission that I went on where Ranger was not in the officer in charge and many good soldiers died. We were drowning our sorrows (something he would never allow himself to do now) with the mini bar. He just started talking about how his family would have been happier if he would have died on the mission. That there was only one person in the world that cared if he lived or died and sometimes it would be easier for her if he would just disappear. Then she would not have to worry all of the time and would maybe find happiness of her own. (I know now that he was talking about Ella)

His family let him walk out of their lives when he was 16 and no one cared enough to look for him. They probably all breathed a sigh of relief as soon as he walked out of the door. He did speak with some fondness when he spoke about Arielle and Jason, but he just barely mentioned his mother and stepfather. So, I questioned him about his step-father, because I was hoping that he was a stand up guy, just caught in a no win situation. I never saw fear like that on his face before and never again. He started to shut down, saying that there was not much to say on the subject of Thomas, he just hated him and to drop it. I didn't want to drop it, because I needed to know what could possible scare the fearless Ranger Manoso. I trusted him with my life; I wanted him to trust me with his.

I knew I was out of line, but I knew him well enough to know the angrier he got, the more I would find out. I said "What daddy wouldn't let you take the Porsche on weekends? Or did he not let little Ricky get a doggy?" I don't know what pushed him over, but I never knew someone as drunk as he was, could land a punch that felt like I hit a brick wall. He just kept hitting me and then the words just tumbled out.

"There was no one to tell, no rescue for me."

"I didn't know I didn't know I wasn't supposed to."

"It was too late."

"I never really existed."

I didn't really understand what he meant and then he just stopped. Lying on the floor completely silent for so long I didn't think he would ever speak. Then he quietly asked me, if I really wanted to know the truth? I said yes, because I felt that if I didn't find out now, he would never let it come out again.

He just started weaving a tale that I wouldn't believe if I didn't hear the anguish in his voice. He didn't ever remember a time that Thomas did not spend part of the night in his room. But he never knew what those nights would consist of.

There were nights of what felt like kindness to the little boy, feather like kisses, hands everywhere, being told

"How lucky he was that Thomas let him stay in his house."

"How grateful he should be for his very existence and did not have the right to protest. Because everyone knew that it was the payment that had to be made."

But those nights were alternated with nights of beatings that he thought would never end. Beatings that would leave him bruised for days. Five year old Ricky knew what broken ribs felt like and learned to wrap them himself and not mention any pain early. Those were night he was told...

"You do not belong."

"Boy, you are just a little half-breed bastard that should have been aborted."

"How could I ever want to sleep with your mother, to know that you came out of that swamp?"

"You should be ashamed of those things that you do to me, the things that you force me to do to you."

It was all designed to break his spirit and keep him off balance. I knew soldiers that couldn't do psychological warfare so thoroughly.

Thomas felt there was a debt to be paid and took it out on Ranger's ass one way or another. There are just things that you should never do to children; I think there is a special place in hell for those who abuse children. How could his mother not know, how could the entire family not know? Did they just turn a blind eye, because they did not care about him either? I cannot imagine living 14 years of this. At age 14 is when "Pretty Ricky" came home with a gun, with complete knowledge of how to use it. He told Thomas that he never again would put his hands on him. If Thomas ever set foot in his room, he would kill him and knew people that would help him hide the body. Hell, even now, I would help him hide that body.

I wonder how much of this he will tell Steph, how the only time anyone really touched him as a child was to beat him, or for their own sexual gratification. I don't blame him for keeping the world at arm's length; it kills him to admit how scared he still is sometimes, how he doesn't like to sleep because he feels so out of control while he is asleep. But won't it kill him in other ways if he doesn't admit it and find a way to stop living in the past? Not by his actions, but by the tape that plays in his head.

_I hope Tank's chapter wasn't too much for you. I tried to handle it without being graphic. Feedback is always welcome. The next chapter will be in Ranger's POV. (As long as the muse lets me) _

_Thank you everyone for all the positive words and suggestions. Keep them coming! _


	8. Chapter 8

As a man Part 8

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Ranger's POV

I have only told one other person what happened in this room. And I can't describe how drunk I had to be to do that. I always thought this was something that I would take to my grave. Now it is time, it is time for me to stop existing as a ghost and start living life as a man. I am afraid, afraid that she will no longer see me as her super hero, her Batman. She thinks that I am larger than life and stronger than anyone, what she would think if she knew that I am still wake up terrified in the middle of the night? I just can hide it better than most. What if she questions my sexuality? It would be a valid question because I was a little confused about it for years. Until I accepted what was done to me and what I could do, had nothing to do with my preferences.

I take a deep breath and tell her the same tale I told Tank all those years ago. Telling her things that Tank did not know about how my sister would sometimes sit at the bottom of the stairs and watch without saying a word. I would beg her to make him stop when he was beating me and she never moved a muscle. She never participated, but she had front row seats to my humiliation. I knew when she was there because he would keep up a commentary; he never did when we were alone.

"Isn't he pretty Ari, you could never be this pretty."

"Do you want to hear him cry honey; is that what you came for?"

I know that she was afraid; I didn't know what he did to her to force her to come down there. We never spoke of it, I couldn't forget it and then she died without ever being able to give me any answers.

When I finish, I look into her eyes, they are filled with tears. She doesn't look away, just holds my gaze and touches my face. I lean into her touch, I crave her touch, and it always calms and centers me.

"Ranger… Carlos, I always knew that you were strong, but I never really knew how strong you were until now. For someone to come out of the hell you did, and to be half the man you are would be amazing. But to be the person you are, I am truly grateful to know you and proud to love you."

I sit there just silent for a second, amazed by this woman before me. She has heard some of the worst things in my life and still she says she loves me. There was no doubt in her voice, no hesitation in her eyes. She loves me.

"Babe, you are amazing, I have never felt love like yours in my life and I want to be with you. Not just in my own way, but in every way you will allow. I know it will take some work and there are things that will need to happen on both of our sides to make it work. But I am willing to do that. I know it bothers you that I live so much in my head and I am willing to try to get any help that I need so I can let you in."

I glance over at Tank and he has a small grin on his face. He has been after me to talk to someone for years. I haven't been ready because I knew that this would kill my army career. I would no longer be "psychologically fit" for missions. That could not happen because what would I have done then, but I am done, my contract is up, it can happen now. I know Tank has been worried about the continued risks of the missions and my willingness to continually up the ante on the danger. And to be truthful, I was concerned myself. I was starting to leap into things with only the safety of others in mind. Not fearlessness, just lack of self-preservation.

What in my life did I have? Was what I was doing really considered living, or just existing? I keep everyone at arm's length, I had no real connection to another living soul, and I couldn't allow it. I have a daughter I am afraid to allow to know me; I don't think I would be good for her. Without any real parents me, I am unsure how to parent and I did not want to cause her any harm. What would I say when she started to ask questions about her past, her family? I would never allow them to meet her, as much as I love Jason as a brother; he is a part of the cancer in this house. A cancer I am unwilling to spread. He is so much older than me and he did nothing. He couldn't have been ignorant to the evil that took place in this house. He lived here for years after I left, there had to be some knowledge of everything that was wrong. Even if all he knew about was the verbal abuse, because no one bothered to hide that, he still said nothing. I don't blame him. There is still some anger for his inaction.

I am angry all of the time, you couldn't tell by looking, but underneath everything I do is this all consuming rage. I have remarkable self control. It is so tiring, to never be able to relax, never be able to let your guard down. Sleeping for only three hours at a time before I wake up, hyper alert and cannot go back to sleep for the night. That is why sometimes I end up at Stephanie's at odd times of the morning, because I can rest just listening to the sound of her breathing.

Something has to change; if not then Thomas would have really won. He would have broken me, like he promised when I was younger.

"I will break you, boy; you will be begging me for this one day."

I will be damned if I let that happen.

Steph grabs my hand and says "Let's get this done; we have a future to get to."

Tank heads up the stairs, I glance back at the room that I lost my child hood in. If I could burn it down I would. I never plan to return to this place and head up myself, with Stephanie right behind me. For some reason Tank stops short in the door way, I go to push him out of the way and Thomas is standing there.

_Yes I am leaving it there. This was a hard chapter for me to write for some reason. I hope it conveyed my point about Ranger and how that love alone will not fix this. _

_As always I love feedback and appreciate any comments, questions or ideas given to me. If I can make the idea fit, I try to use it. (The part about Arielle was a suggestion, which made sense) _

_The next chapter will be the confrontation with Thomas, told from Jason's POV. _


	9. Chapter 9

As a man part 9

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

_I wasn't going to do this chapter, but I received several requests and suggestions that Thomas should be heard from at least once. It does make sense to move the story along, so sorry if it is disturbing. _

Thomas's POV

The betrayal, I couldn't begin to wrap my mind around how deeply I had been betrayed. I stayed married to Maggie all of these years, even after she cheated on me and brought that half breed bastard child into my home. Like I was supposed to pay his way, I was supposed to accept that bullshit and take it lying down. I was a man; it was ridiculous that I was expected to take care of a dead man's child. Why would that be the right thing to do? Ricky's father didn't think about doing the right thing while he was sleeping with my wife. I tried to convince her to just give the boy to Ella and be done. But I do think that he had feelings for the boy's father. That was the only reason she gave the boy his name. I dealt with the humiliation for all of these years and the thanks I get for that! She is leaving all of the money to Ricky and the house to Jason. Leaving me with nothing! How dare she?

From what I've read about that boy in the occasional newspaper, he has a successful company and doesn't need the money at all. That should be all of the more reason for him to refuse his inheritance and to sign it over to me. If he has a problem doing that, I should be able to convince him. That pretty little thing that he came here with, wouldn't be so impressed with him if she knew what he really was, the things that he liked me to do to him. Or his army buddy, I bet he would just abandon him if he knew how easily Ricky could be broken, how easily I could make him beg.

Jason comes up to tell me that Ella is in there talking with Maggie and Ricky, his army buddy Tank (and damn did he look like a Tank) and Stephanie are in the basement room.

Hmm… The basement room, I feel the tightening in my groin thinking of all of the things that happened in that room. Ricky has always been a beautiful boy and was mine from the beginning. Maggie would not dare interfere or question too much what was going on. I think she suspected, but I never confirmed or denied her questions. She had no real interest in the boy, just felt some misplaced loyalty to his father.

I ingrained in Ricky early on what was expected of him for his room and board. He wasn't anything to me and I did not have to take care of him. I told him everyone knew what was going on and no one would ever help him. He didn't want to live on the street did he? So I knew he would never tell Ella, because in his mind, she already knew. Jason never had enough backbone to ever say anything, so if he knew or not, he would not stand up to me. My son is like an ostrich, if he doesn't see it- it isn't happening.

Arielle was the only problem; she adored that boy and wanted to care for him like one of her dolls. I just made her a part of what I was doing. I made her watch just enough to know that I could kill him anytime I wanted and if she told anyone I would take care of him, immediately. She felt such guilt after witnessing and not helping, that she not dare say anything.

I had everyone under my thumb and was so content and I grew complacent. I overlooked that Ricky was changing from the tiny, quiet, introspective boy, to this large powerful young man, and exceptionally attractive young man. He had very questionable friends and solid gang affiliations. He threatened to kill me if I ever touched him again and I could see in his eyes he would. I had no choice but to back off. That changed the dynamic of the house in ways I could not tolerate. If I wasn't getting what I wanted, then he would have to go, he was no more use to me.

It took two years to convince Maggie that he was too dangerous to the family to continue to live with us. I didn't even have to be the one to ask him to leave, the lifestyle he was flaunting in front of us with the drugs and the guns had become too much for her to tolerate. She had no leverage with him to try to make him change, so it was time for him to go.

Now he was back, I am waiting for him at the top of the stairs. I wanted to go down there so bad, but I didn't dare. I will just bide my time for them to come up. When he does, I will remind of his place and get him to sign off on the money, or expose him to his "friends" for who he really is. Just a waste of space, a weak mistake, someone who should have never existed.

I think I want Jason to hear this also, he thinks that Ricky is a great man. Someone his son should look up to, someone to admire. That is bullshit and I want everyone to know him.

Well, I hear them coming up the stairs, it is time to knock "Pretty Ricky" down a peg or two. In his time away from this house, he seemed to forget who he was and where he came from. I may not be able to best him physically, but mentally.

_Well this is where the muse took me this time. Thanks for all of the reviews and suggestions. _


	10. Chapter 10

As a man part 10

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

I am feeling guilty for setting Ricky up to have a confrontation with Thomas. But I think it is time. I want my brother to leave here with no unfinished business and no reason to return. This place broke him in ways I will never understand and him more than anyone deserves to be whole. Ricky is a powerful man and I know he is always armed and faces no real danger from Thomas. He probably doesn't have to be armed to kill him, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

Thomas moves so all three of them can make their way up the stairs. I don't know why he just wouldn't go down there; he spends a lot of time down there any other time. Ricky's face is scarily blank, he pushes Stephanie behind him and Tank stands tall on his other side.

No one speaks for what feels like hours, but is probably only a few minutes. Finally, Thomas breaks the silence.

"Sergeant Major Ricardo Carlos Manoso, you finally decided to grace us with your presence, I see?"

That was my fault, I didn't want to call him, I didn't want him to come, until we knew that there was no way to save mother.

"There is a financial matter we need to discuss, in my office."

Ricky is just staring at him, with no expression. I didn't think he would speak, and finally in a low, very controlled voice "no, we will never have anything to talk about".

"Ricky, this has to be handled while you are here, because you won't return. Don't give me trouble about this; I don't have time for it. I wouldn't want to have to embarrass you in front of your 'friends'"

Ricky still does not move and Thomas is getting angry.

"You think that you have everyone fooled with this tough army guy persona, how would your soldiers feel about their commanding office crying and begging for his life. How would your piece of snatch here think, knowing how many ways you can take it, how many ways I have had you, how much you did like it. Now come with me."

He strides past them, just expecting them to follow. And before I can process the implications of what was said, Stephanie knees him so hard in the balls, that you can almost hear the crack. Thomas drops to his knees immediately. She is instantly in his face.

"Are you proud? You sound proud of yourself. That you could over power a child! Is that something to stand here and gloat about? Do you think that we would love him any less, to think any less of him, because you are a sick bastard? Was that what your little display was about? To think that because you could hurt a child? Does it make you superior? Do you feel superior that you think you let out some dirty little secret? Do you know that secret should be yours, because Ranger did NOTHING wrong."

Stephanie is practically screaming at the end and I hear her voice catch with tears.

As Thomas is lying on the floor and Ranger is holding Stephanie, trying to calm her down. I start to thinking of what Thomas just admitted, what he says he did to Ricky. It reminds me of what Arielle tried to tell me years ago and I didn't want to believe it. I knew that Thomas was cruel, but I never want to believe that my father could be as cruel as Arielle said. I didn't want to know what happened. He is my father, what would that make me? I am Ricky's older brother; I should have found a way to protect him. I was only concerned about what would happen to me if I questioned too much, if I rocked the boat.

Ricky is speaking to Thomas in a low, controlled tone. If it was directed at me, I think I would pee my pants.

"I used to dream of the way I was going to kill you. I probably know 40 ways of killing you and making it look like an accident. I could kill you in ways you could never imagine. I wanted to sneak into your room like the ghost you always claimed I was and kill you in your sleep. I know people who would drop you with one shot in broad daylight and never be seen. They would kill you with no question, just because I asked it from them. I never did and as much as I want to take you downstairs and hang you from the rafters and beat you with a belt until you can't see. To punch you in the kidney's until you are peeing blood for a week."

He is starting to lose control of his voice and he takes a step back from Thomas. I can see the muscles in his arms tremble, but that is the only indication that this conversation is taking every ounce of his self control. He looks at Thomas and continues

"I won't because what you needed was to prove you had power, power over me. You were trying to do here; by thinking you were telling my friends my deepest secrets. Trying to prove that you still have some power. I will not do anything to you, because I have nothing to prove. I know the power I have, not because I had to take it from someone weaker, because it was given to me willingly, because I earned their respect. I bet you never had any respect? Because I sure as hell do not respect you."

Ricky says this as a man confident in the power he holds, I know he has other problems, but he knows who he is and what he is capable of. He grabs Stephanie's hand and goes to walk out of the kitchen and Ella is standing in the doorway. I didn't notice when she came, no one did. She looks horrified; I wonder how much she heard.

Stephanie walks over to her and leads her out of the kitchen and Ricky follows. Leaving Tank, Thomas and myself in the kitchen. Thomas is starting to get up and Tank actually helps him. He hasn't spoken this entire time, but now I think he needs to have his say.

"I am the only person on this planet who could stop Ranger if he wanted to come after you. And I can only contain him for so long, he is stronger than me, the only thing that stops him is my size. I can say if he ever wanted to hurt you, I would never try to stop him. You should thank Ranger for your life; you just faced the most dangerous man on the planet and lived. It will never happen again, so for your safety, you should stay away from him."

On that ominous note, Tank leaves the room.

I look at my father and I am ashamed to call him my father. I am flashing thru all of the different childhood memories with this new realization. Things are starting to look different now that my blinders have been removed.

Ricky always wanted me to sleep in the basement with him and Thomas always said I could not.

Arielle trying to explain to me what she saw Dad doing to Ricky, but not having the words to explain what she saw.

The last conversation I had with my sister and how she wanted me to apologize to Ricky and tell him how much she loved him.

I know my mother left me this house, but who would want to live here with all of the bad memories that live in this house? I couldn't move my family in here; I wouldn't want any part of this to infect my family.

I make one last glance at Thomas; he looks like he is mystified by what happened here. I will have to deal with him, but I have another place to start. I need to know what my mother knew, to know how much all of us failed my little brother.

_I am going on vacation next week, so I am not sure how much actual posting I will be able to do. But I will have my notebook, so there will be a lot of writing going on. _

_Thank you all for your feedback, I hope that the confrontation with Thomas was satisfying. I didn't think it would give Ranger any closure if he would have lost it and killed him. _


	11. Chapter 11

As a man part 11

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Tank's POV

After I said my peace to Thomas and unfortunately leaving my gun holstered, I leave the kitchen to find Ranger. I find Ella and Steph in the living room, Ella looks like her entire world just imploded. Do I stop and talk to them? I know this has to be hard for Stephanie, also. This is a lot to find out in one day. I need to make sure I sit down and talk to her when we get back to Trenton. Not here, I am ready to get the hell out of this place, to quote my Grandma; this place has some bad juju.

I catch Stephanie's eye and she shakes her head and points towards the window, where I see Ranger standing outside looking towards the sky. I make no sound as I join him, knowing that he will be fully aware of my presence. Was that something he learned in the military or a basic childhood survival mechanism for him? I wonder not for the first time, what exactly goes on in his head. Does he pray to a God? Is he silently damning God for the cards he was dealt? I am for all intents and purposes his best friend and I can't always read him.

He looks over at me and asks, "Is he dead?"

"Nope"

"I did want to kill him"

"I know"

I tell him about Ella and I am not sure what she overheard, but she must now know more than he wanted her to. He knows that I told her about some of the physical abuse, but I would never tell her about anything else. So if she overheard Thomas talking about how he "had" him, which had to be devastating. Ranger says,

"I don't know what to do with that, I can't deal with her here. I need to get out of this place, I can't think here."

I completely agree with him. This is no place for him to spend any time. He needs to talk to his mother and get out of this place.

"Ranger, what are you going to do when this is done? You will not be able to back to business as usual, things are going to change, and they have to."

He shrugs (what? Ranger never shrugs)

I have been suggesting to him for years to go to the inpatient facility that my sister runs in California. It is not a hospital, just a place of relaxation and healing (I sound like the brochure). They will make any concessions for his security concerns. We will just tell everyone he is "in the wind" for 45 days and hopefully come back not so tightly wound. I don't think he will come back as a Chatty Cathy, but there is some middle ground for him. It helped me deal with a horrible outcome to a mission that we went on. I won't push; I just put it out there again. He looks more like he is thinking about it then he has ever in the past.

"Tank, you are really worried about this? I just don't know, I am not good at sharing, I just get angry and close down."

Don't I know it?

"Yes, after I talk to mother and Jason, I will wrap up things and after the funeral, I will go. I will try. I give my word."

And I know Ranger's word is his bond.

I ask him if he is ready now to talk to his mother. He shakes his head no and sits on the grass. I sit beside him and wait. There are three ways to get personal info out Ranger, if you are someone he shares with.

You can catch him in a rage about something and just be there when he explodes. Get him drunk and piss him off, both options don't always work; the man can be like a steel drum.

Or the easiest way is to just wait him out, which is probably why Stephanie can never find out anything about him. She isn't someone who can wait in silence while someone gather's their thoughts. Something else to tell her, because the ABCs of Ranger will always be helpful in their relationship.

He finally starts talking, he is scared, and that his mother always knew what was going on and just didn't care enough to stop it. What if she agreed with everything Thomas ever said? That he should have never existed. Unsure Ranger, I knew that guy was in there, hmmm what is the best way to handle this?

"Buck up soldier, you will face this head on, take in what happens and no matter what she says, you will move on."

We stand up and shake hands. He straightens his shoulders and look like he does right before we start a mission. I know he can do this; he just needs to get this part over with, so he can stop living in his past and starts working towards a future.

_I am back, I had a great vacation. I have a lot of chapters and a possible sequel for this outlined. It is nice to be back writing. _

_Please review and let me know what you think of this chapter. Thanks for all of the reviews. _


	12. Chapter 12

As a man part 12

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Maggie's POV

I can admit now that requesting my youngest son to visit is for more than just to look at him. It is time for me to confess my sins. Not for hope of absolution or forgiveness, because I do not deserve that, I just don't want to take all of this baggage with me to my grave. I never apologized to Ella; it would have been a lie. I am not sorry for the relationship I had with Mateo Manoso, I loved him. He was going to rescue me from this marriage of convenience and then he died. I was pregnant with his child and he was gone. I was stuck here and all of the plans we made were gone also. I couldn't let myself love Ricky. I was afraid to get attached and suffer more loss. I had lost the man I loved and my best friend in one big swoop, I didn't want to lose anything else.

I just let Ella raise him and she loved him as if he was her own, just because he was part of Mateo. I would love to say that I did it because I felt that I took something from her. But no, I just didn't want to do it and I knew she would. I was hiding from the world, I couldn't go anywhere without whispers and gossip, so I didn't handle or deal with anything.

I knew Thomas mistreated Ricky and I use the words mistreated lightly. He took his frustrations with me, his anger for my infidelity out on this beautiful boy and I was too weak, too selfish to stop him. I didn't know much at first, I just thought he was quick to blame Ricky for everything and was a little harsher with the discipline then he was with the other children.

Jason enters my room, without knocking, with an expression I have never noticed before. I have to ask him what is wrong. He quietly asks me, if I knew what Thomas did to Ricky? I am unsure of what he means, because I know Jason doesn't know anything that ever went on in this house. Then he goes on to tell me of the confrontation in the kitchen. I hold my breath, because I am not sure how I should answer. Lying to Jason is easy; he will always believe me and never question anything. But then I hear another deeper voice, quieter and laced with steel. "What did you know mother?" I look up and there stands Ricky.

He looks just like Mateo; the resemblance startles me for a moment. What should I say? I can't speak; I just stare at my youngest son. I want to cry, but I know I don't deserve tears. I quickly respond, that I knew some things when he was at home, I knew he was cold and harsh, I knew he used corporal punishment. I didn't know how often and how bad he abused you until after you left. Then Thomas took great pleasure in telling me how he hurt you in graphic detail.

Ricky's expression does not change and Jason speaks, "What about the rest? What did you know about the REST?"

Jason has never raised his voice to me before, I doubt he has raised his voice to anyone. I have to close my eyes because I cannot take the resentment I see in his gaze. This is it - this is where I lose the only person in my life who loves me. I hope he will still bury me, but I don't deserve that much. I quietly answer, yes, not the entire extent of what happened during, I know more now, but I did know that Thomas liked young boys and that he really liked Ricky. I still don't open my eyes.

Ricky speaks, "Look at me; you owe me to look at me."

I open my eyes and gasp at the hatred I see there. I think I am looking at the Ranger, Jason has told me so much about.

"I am so thankful that I didn't expect anything from you. I am saying good bye. There is nothing that you can say that can make me understand how you could sit back and even suspect that someone is repeatedly and progressively beating and raping your child and do nothing. I feel like I was nothing and to know that you had knowledge of what was happening and didn't care enough about me to stop it confirms that I was nothing to you. "

He takes a deep breath, but his body language and expression has not changed.

"You have been nothing to me for years; Ella has always been my Mom. You are dead to me."

I want to tell him that I always loved him and just didn't know what I should do, but I don't think he needs to hear it. He turns and walks out of the door. His expression did not change the entire time he was in the room and it just dawns on me, that I have never seen Ricky smile. In his entire 33 years, I have never witnessed a smile from him. I wonder if he does smile, if he can smile. How much was taken from him in this house? How much did I take from him, by being unwilling to give him anything? I hear that he is an exceptionally strong and skilled man; I hope he has some happiness in his life.

Jason is sitting in the chair he has spent hours in since I was diagnosed. I see the tears in his eyes. I reach my arm out towards him and he shrinks back.

"Mother, you knew and did nothing. You knew that my father liked young boys and never said anything, I let him spend so much time with JJ and you never said anything. What if he did something to my child? How can you not say anything? Ricky only had us to protect him, I would have taken him away from here with I turned 18, if you didn't want to leave Thomas, we could have figured out how to take care of Ricky."

I don't know how to answer him, I don't think Thomas would have touched JJ because they are related, and has no relation at all to Ricky. I let my life spiral out of control and did not want to make myself any more uncomfortable, so I let everything that would have made me take action just continue to go on. I hand him an envelope this is from your sister, please give this to Ricky before he leaves. I know he will never come back here.

Jason takes the envelope, "I don't know what to say to you mother, I just don't. I will make sure that Ricky gets this letter. As for you seeing me again, I am not sure. I will take care of all of the arrangements that we have made. I know your time left is very short and I will make sure you are comfortable and all of your wishes are carried out. But I am not sure I am able to mourn you right now."

He walks out of the room.

I have failed every member of my family, what is the punishment for a wasted life? I am going to die alone.

_I hope the confrontation with Ranger and Maggie was satisfactory. I didn't want it to be too much because she is dying, but I wanted Ranger to know that she knew and did nothing. _

_As always, reviews and suggestions are like candy for me. Thanks for reading. _


	13. Chapter 13

As a man part 13

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Stephanie's POV

Leaving Ella with Tank, I go in search of Ranger. I know that Tank can take care of Ella, but my worry now is who is taking care of Ranger. After the confrontation with his mother, he might not admit it, but he has to be hurting. I have learned so much more about Ranger in one day, than I have in the past few years. I would have never imagined that this is where this strong, silent, beautiful man came from. I just want to take care of him and help him through this any way I can.

I spot him leaning against the wall under the stairs with his eyes clothes. I can tell the second he realizes I am there, he straightens up a little bit and lifts one eyebrow. I am struck with the overwhelming feeling of being in love with him. I know I am not being fair to Joe by going back and forth and stringing him along. Marriage is never going to happen for us and I am wasting his time, when he could find someone who will marry him and give him the family he so desperately wants. If marriage is in the future for me, it will be with Ranger, I want to be with him in any capacity he will have me. But based on the events of the day, I think we are finally on the same page. I believe that we will be together.

I lean up against the wall next to him, mimicking his posture. He reaches down and grabs my hand, holding it tight. "She knew, Babe, she knew and didn't care enough about me to stop it. She didn't think about me at all." He doesn't change position or expression the entire time, how can he be so calm? How is he not up there ripping her heart out, the way she allowed to happen to him? He quietly continues, "I have always felt like I was nothing, if my mother could not love me, then really what am I?"

We have more of the same thoughts than I could ever dream of. I have never been good enough for my mother, for the Burg, every move that I have ever made was an embarrassment. From my birth, in the middle of the night, what kind of respectable child cannot wait until a decent hour for their birth? To my gender, I was supposed to be a boy, there was already a perfect girl in the family, in order to make the family complete, I should have been a boy. So I was doomed from the minute I was conceived, wrong. I was never wanted for who I was, just looked down on because of what I wasn't. Then my looks, Valerie was gorgeous and I just didn't measure up. My hair was too wild, my eyes were too blue. I heard it my entire life, I could go on forever on how I was never enough for my family. I squeeze Ranger's hand and say, "You are everything to me."

He then tells me his plan to go to a treatment facility for 45 days and hopefully he can get a handle on his emotions, so he can give everything to me. He wants to be able to feel everything he has for me and live with his past and not shut down or rage. I tell him that 45 days is good for him during that time I will clean up things in my life, I need to let Joe go and make some steps with my family, let go of my apartment and be ready to live with him on seven when he gets back. That gets him to change his expression; I don't think that was what he was expecting. "Are you sure? After everything you heard here today, you still want to go forward?" I nod, "Ranger, we are a team, in every sense of the word, I want this, I need this." Then I start to second guess myself, by assuming he want to live with me, maybe I am jumping the gun, maybe when he returns he will discover he doesn't need me. He leans over and kisses me, not one of his mind blowing kisses, but one full of love and promises. "That is exactly what I want", he says, "It will be nice to come home to you and Rex. If you can make it happen, I will be glad to have you."

I sigh, I now have a month and a half to fix or get rid of all of the things keeping from living life for me. Things that I am not sure I am ready to face, but if Ranger can confront these horrible things of his past, then I can deal with my family and Morelli.

Dealing with my family and Joe - I don't know where to start-I never felt like I can truly stand up for myself and be taken seriously. But to get what I need, I will have to.

Ranger starts pulling on my hand, with a question in his eyes, asking if I am ready to go. I nod; yes we need to get far away from this place. I start to follow and we are stopped by Jason calling his name. (I will never get used to anyone calling him "Ricky", but I don't think Ranger likes it either).

Jason starts apologizing for not being more aware of what was going on in the house, not protecting him, not saving him when he could. Ranger doesn't try to make him feel better, but does tell him that he doesn't hold Jason responsible for anything that happened here. It will never change for him that it did, but Jason should didn't do it. Jason then hands Ranger a letter that is from his sister, which their mother has held onto for the past 10 years. I am wondering what it says.

Before I can ask, Jason is telling us, really probably just Ranger, that he is worried about all of the time that his son as spent with Thomas. All of the things that could have happened to his own child because of his ignorance and denial. Ranger just tells Jason to ask JJ in a way that doesn't give him any options to answer, if he needs help, Ranger will be glad to talk to him.

They do the manly hug thing, but hold on to each other longer than expected. I think this feels like the last time they will see each other, but I believe Ranger will do anything to help his nephew if he is needed.

Tank and Ella appear at the end of the hallway, how? That damn ESP that I am lacking.

We walk out of the front door, Ranger pauses at the door way and looks back and I quietly hear him say "good-bye." And he closes the door.

_For some reason, this chapter was hard for me. But I am glad I finally got then out of that house. _

_Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing, your reviews and suggestions always make my writing better. _


	14. Chapter 14

As a man part 14

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. * Tissue warning b/c I cried while writing it*

Ranger's POV

I wait until the plane takes off to look at the letter Jason gave me. A letter from Arielle, I always had so many questions for her that I was never able to get answers for. When I was ready to ask the questions, she was lost in a drug haze and would cry whenever I tried to talk to her. I open the envelope slowly and start to read:

_My Pretty Ricky, (I will always think of you that way, no matter how the meaning of the name changed and was used differently when you got older) _

_I want you to know that I have always loved you. Jason and I always wished for a brother and when you were born, we thought all of our wishes had come true. Then when you came home everything was just wrong. _

_I noticed when I was about seven or eight years old that Dad was leaving his room to go to yours in the middle of the night, he wasn't exactly silent, but I seemed to be the only one who was nosy enough to want to know what was going on. When I asked him, he just smiled at me and said I could come down and see. I really thought I was missing out on some fun, until the night I decided to come and see. What I saw was forever burned into my mind, I wanted to run and wake up the entire house, call Ella, call the police, call anyone. The way he was beating you! You were only three or four year old! But he told me that everyone in the house already knew which is why no one else got up and if I told anyone, he could kill you and no one would miss you because you were so little. I really believed him, because no one ever questioned any of your bruises or broken bones. _

_To make sure I always understood that he was in charge of your life; he would occasionally request my presence in your room. I know it was hundreds of times worse for you, but to be a witness to the horrible, inhumane things that he did to you, the things that no one should ever do to another human being, least of all a child, broke my heart. I wanted to take your place so many times, in so many ways, but I was always too afraid to say anything. By the time I left the house I was in no shape to take care of myself, let alone you. The only thing that has been able to get your moans whimpers and cries begging me to help you, out of my brain have been the drugs. _

_I know that you started on the path of drugs, but you were always destined to be stronger than me, stronger than anyone. You never backed down from Thomas, he never won, no matter how much he hurt you, and you still had a look of defiance in your eyes. _

_I hope you have found some peace and happiness outside of that house, I never could, and I live with the thought of how much I failed you in every way. _

_I hope so much for you. I want you to always remember it was nothing that you did; it was something that was done to you. It is not who you are, it was something that was forced on you. Mother's lack of love was not because you were lacking something, it is because she was missing something. You were a perfect child born into an imperfect situation. _

_I will love you forever, your sister Arielle._

I finish the letter and for the first time since I was a child I feel tears on my cheeks. Steph looks at me concerned. I just shake my head, trying to get myself under control. I have no words for the feelings I am having. I should have tried harder for Ari, tried harder to get her help, I wish I would have sent her to treatment, but I was just so angry.

She really loved me, she really did. I give Stephanie the letter to read as Tank announces our arrival. I didn't know I needed to hear those words from her, but I did.

I am not going to wait until after the funeral to leave. There is nothing that Maggie's burial will change for me, I would not attend. I will talk to Ella and try to answer some of the questions I can tell is starting to eat her up, to let her know she can't change the past. Then just give a run down with Tank to get the plan of what we are going to tell everyone and have him be in charge for awhile, maybe longer than the 45 days, so when I return I can focus on building my relationship with Steph.

Arielle wished me happiness and I owe it her to find some.

The End (look for the sequel)

**Wow! This chapter really just wrote itself and I couldn't let it go today. I want to thank everyone again for reading my first attempt at a lengthy fic. As long as the ideas keep coming, I will keep writing. **

**If anyone has any suggestions on what I could do better on my next attempt, I will take those. **

**Thanks again for everyone who read and took the time to review. Special thanks to **_**margaret fowler**_** who I nominated to help me when I got stuck, and to all of you who had great suggestions to keep my story moving! **

**I haven't chosen a name for the sequel yet, but I think it will be Stephanie's journey into cleaning out her closet. **

**Thanks again! **


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